


in the palm of your hand

by demuname



Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night: Unlimited Blade Works (Anime 2014)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Canon Compliant, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Route: Unlimited Blade Works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:06:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26286142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demuname/pseuds/demuname
Summary: Once in a while, the glimpses of Archer's life that Shirou saw during their fight would appear in his dreams. The vivid scenes of those nightmares could be overwhelming, but thankfully, Shirou didn't have to endure it alone in this lifetime.
Relationships: Emiya Shirou/Tohsaka Rin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	in the palm of your hand

**Author's Note:**

> in the palm of your hand  
> Original Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works fanfic by demuname  
> Disclaimer: I do not own Fate/Stay Night series.

_Placed in a small gap between walls with a sniper in his hand, he focused on his target, waiting for the right moment to shoot. The car that carried his target moved, and in a swift motion, a bullet was fired, piercing his target on the head, undeniably killing the man in the spot._

_ With a sigh, he wiped away the sweat in his forehead and laid his back weakly on the wall. That man was the last person from the coup d' état, rebellions who had messed the village up. With his passing, the villagers could return safely back home. They soon came out from their hiding, picking up what was left from the turmoil to rebuild their lives. _

_ His mission here had come to an end. But weeks' worth of engagement in the conflict took a significant toll on his body, which led him to another night stay there before he left. A few moments before he fell into a slumber, the sounds of marching footsteps approached his chambers, and when he came to his senses, his door had been kicked open. Dozens of people with weapons barged into his room, and by force, dragged him away, leaving no room for explanations. Among them were familiar faces, looking at him in various expressions. There were looks of grim, scared, and worry – all of them refusing to meet his eyes, even until he was thrown into a dark, damp dungeon.  _

_ The day someone dragged him out of the dungeon, the bright light that he hadn't seen in days forced him to squint his eyes. He landed into the village court, where he was blamed for being the mastermind of the coup d' état. Without anyone on his side, the whole village had decided to give him death as punishment.  _

_ Walking his way towards his execution, meeting the eyes of the people who accused him of the crime he didn't do, along with the ones that he had saved, he surrendered to his fate as the scapegoat. It was fine, as long as he prevented another person from being the black sheep. Moreover, he couldn't live for himself if he sacrificed other people for the sake of his safety. _

_ Without any struggle, he let the rope encircled his neck, pulling his breath away, until- _

Gasping for air, Shirou jolted awake, with cold sweat drenching his clothes. He took a few deep breaths to calm down his heartbeat and removed himself from the bed. Throwing the fallen blanket back to the bed, he stepped out of the room and walked towards the balcony. It was still way too early for anyone to wake up, especially Rin, in this dawn hour, leaving Shirou alone in the dark and quiet atmosphere.

It was _that dream_ again. Shirou knew that it would be impossible to return to his slumber after waking up from those nightmares. Although five years had passed since the Fifth Holy Grail War, flashes of Archer's life that he had seen during their fight would appear in his dreams every once in a while. Honestly, they had been haunting him for the last few years, but he had never told a soul about it, and keeping it all to himself. 

Out of all the glimpses that he dreamt, Archer's execution appeared frequently, and that dream was also the one that he hated seeing the most. Shirou would always jolt awake whenever the rope tightened on his neck, waking up in fear and suffocation. For a while, he couldn't seem to function well as he would fall deep into contemplation.

Thankfully, it was Saturday, and they were both free from their classes. Rin would likely wake up during noon, so after fixing some dishes for her to eat along with a note about his absence, he left the flat. There was a special place where he liked to confide his worries in, and even though the train ride towards the tomb took a long time, it was worth it.

When he arrived, standing in front of the grave belonged to the legendary ruler of Britain, he placed a bouquet of flowers that he had bought along the way. 

"Hey Saber, it's been a while," he greeted, "Five years, to be exact. As usual, I hope you're okay wherever you are, and I hope you like the flowers."

"I know I've been talking about this a lot already, but the dreams won't go away. I keep wondering why. What's the reason for its appearances? Why does that particular dream have to be the one that appears the most? No matter how hard I think about it, the possibility of sharing his memories from another universe, heck, even timeline, is supposed to be zero."

Shirou took a deep sigh and lowered down to the ground, holding the weight of his body in his hands as he outstretched his legs. He looked up to the sky, looking at the clear blue sky with grazes of clouds. "Even when we're technically the same person, and I understand his feelings to save people... I feel like that he could've changed something to avoid the inevitable or something. I don't know. It's just... doesn't feel right." 

He stopped for a moment, figuring out whatever he was feeling. Saving other people was important. He also thought it's fine to sacrifice himself for other people. But now, through the people around him – Rin, Sakura, Luvia, Issei, and all of his family back in Japan – he realised that by leaving them all behind, he would also sacrifice their bond and feelings. 

In the end, everything that he believed in his life could never be achieved without sacrificing one or the other. Shirou felt helpless, so powerless in the hands of the universe. Did Kiritsugu had once felt the same too?

"Honestly, I don't know how to feel. If it's you who looked back to your past, how do you feel about it?"

Stuck inside his thoughts, he then laid his back on the ground. Appreciating the damp grass, sunny sky, birds chirping, and warm summer breeze, he found a moment of tranquillity. Before long, he fell asleep, just to wake up a few hours later when the sun started going down.

"Ah, I fell asleep," he mumbled, wiping away the drowsiness from his eyes. He stood up and greeted a farewell. "Thanks for today. I'll come back soon, Saber. Make sure to eat and drink enough, okay? I'm leaving now."

He waved goodbye, a habit that he formed during the times they had together, and left the meadow. Taking the most recent train, he went back to the city. Rin must've been looking for him already since he left his phone at home.

The moment he opened the door, Rin had been waiting in their dining chair, as expected.

"Where have you been, Emiya Shirou?"

"I'm home," he said exasperatedly. He knew he was at fault, but did she have to be that furious? She didn't even give him a chance to say that before getting into trouble.

"You promised to go shopping with me today!" she screeched, slamming the table.

_ Shit.  _ Shirou had completely forgotten about it with the thoughts about Archer preoccupying his mind. But he didn't have the energy to deal with it also.

"I'm very sorry, Tohsaka. I forgot. It's my fault."

"You're right, it's your fault!" she fumed, stomping towards him. "And you haven't answered my question yet. Where have you been?"

"About that… I went to Saber's place," he said, avoiding her fiery, piercing eyes that demanded an explanation. "Listen, Tohsaka, I'm really tired today. Can you let me go just this once? I'll explain later."

She was eyeing him, but he didn't wait for her answer to remove himself for the situation and proceeded to take a shower. When he was done, he saw Rin heating up dinner, but without any appetite, he skipped on the food. Shirou shut himself off inside his own room to practise his tracing skills as it was the quickest way to tire him out. He was hoping that by being exhausted, he could crash into the bed and have a peaceful slumber to recharge his physical and mental energy.

"Shirou!" Rin suddenly called, breaking his focus. The wood split into two, and he sighed heavily. "You're not going to eat?"

"I'll pass for tonight," he answered shortly, just to notify her that he's still alive inside the room. He had learned the hard way to always answer her calls, or his door would end up flying away from its hinges.

"Are you sure? I bought your favourite!"

A warm, delicious meal waiting on the table would be tantalising in everyday situations, but right now, he just didn't look forward to anything, even doing something. He didn't reply and waited for the sounds of Rin's footsteps walking away from the door. Focusing back on his training, he worked on his skills for a few more hours and collapsed in the bed as his whole body had been driven into the bone. 

Shirou awoke by his alarm the next morning, with his hopes of forgetting the dream unfulfilled. He got up to cook breakfast, and once again, left the flat, just to walk around the town aimlessly. Up until now, he couldn't explain why he felt deep guilt and responsibility for a tragic life that wasn't even his. Along with that, the anger and desperation about his condition added more into his inner turmoil.

Things were much simpler before he participated in the Holy Grail War. But if such a thing had happened, where and what would he have ended up? He wouldn't meet Rin, Saber, and moreover, magic. He would only be a boy, blind from anything magical, except the ones that Kiritsugu had left behind. The best things he had was in his grasp, thanks to every part of his experiences, good and bad. Again, there was no point in imagining something impossible. 

He arrived home to a dark, empty house, which meant that Rin had gone somewhere. Having all the spaces to himself, he took a shower and cooled himself down in the balcony, looking over the illuminating bright lights of the city, as far as his eyes could see.

"What's wrong, Shirou?" Rin asked, and Shirou jumped in surprise. He didn't even notice the sound of the door creaking open and the lights being turned on.

As he waited for his heart to hammer down, he replied. "I just… have a lot in my mind, Tohsaka."

"You know you can tell me about it," she said, tilting her head a little, and looked at him with a small smile. Of all the years he had known her, the small things that she did – just like the one she's doing now – could lift his spirits up, even just by a little. Being cooped up in his own mind made him forget that someone was there with him, and with that reassurance, he felt much safer.

"Maybe when I'm ready."

"Okay," she replied, patting on his back. "Now, I've bought some tea leaves, so let's drink some together, yeah? It'll calm your nerves."

Shirou nodded in reply. She left, and returned just minutes later, bringing him a cup of tea. He took a first sip of the camomile tea and slowly, just like what she had said, he could feel himself calming down. Neither of them said a word as they both watched the night view of the vast city from their balcony, their tea had long gone. 

Rin was the first to break the silence. "I'm going inside first. I have some work to do for tomorrow." He nodded, staying a bit longer after she had left, before returning inside as the wind got colder.

Sleep caught up to him a while after he tucked himself under the covers.

* * *

_ "What's your problem? Why can't you just get that through your thick head! Don't you ever think about anything else? About the people around you? Why can't you understand, Shirou?" _

_ "Me? I've explained it to you so many times! It's you who don't understand!" _

_ "Hah, you're throwing it back at me again? I can't believe you're just going to throw us away like that, after all that we've been through! You know what? Before that actually happens, I'll be the first one to leave." _

_ Rin broke away from their shouting dispute and stomped into her room, slamming the door behind her. Shirou, who was also livid, huffed as he seated himself at the sofa. Within minutes, she opened the door again, revealing herself with a suitcase, and without saying anything, she left the door, leaving the key behind. _

_ In his moment of rage, he let her. He didn't care about whatever she wanted to do anymore. But truthfully, he had never thought that after that day, Rin would never come back. _

_ Deciding to put the past behind him, he left the place that they once called theirs, weeks after her departure. With a one-way ticket to the Middle East, he left London, parting goodbyes to his friends and family back in Japan through letters. He left everything that he had, for the sake of taking the path as a mercenary into becoming the hero of justice, without even once looking back. _

With a gasp, once again, Shirou had woken up from his slumber. His heart was beating fast, his mind was a mess, and everything was in a jitter. He hadn't even recovered from the last dream yet, and another uninvited one showed up.

It was overwhelming. Resting his head on his palm, he tried taking deep breaths. Shirou genuinely felt sick to the stomach, and there was no way he could soothe himself any further. He quietly stepped out of his room, glancing at the door across his. 

In slow motion, trying to avoid making any sound, he turned the knob and stepped inside. Rin was there, sleeping on her bed, safely inside her room.

_ It was only a dream. Only a dream. _

Repeating the thoughts in his mind, he climbed up to her bed, taking the space that she didn't use in her queen-sized bed. Shirou slipped his hand under her covers, tucking it over her waist, and wrapped her body closer to him. He buried his head on hers, kissing it softly.

_ She's here, she's not going anywhere- _

"Shirou?" she asked groggily, her voice croaked from sleep. "What are you doing here?"

"Sorry," he whispered, guilty for disturbing her in this ungodly hour. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

Rin pushed herself up and turned towards him. "Don't worry about it. Tell me what's wrong."

Shirou sighed. He didn't want to burden her with such a ridiculous thing, but having her inside his arms right now, all he wanted was to share everything inside his mind and break down every layer of his walls. With her, he wanted to be vulnerable.

"I keep having these dreams," he said, after a beat of silence. "They're… flashes of the life that Archer had lived. It has been popping up in my dreams ever since the War ended, and I guess it's just…. I don't know, keep haunting me."

"I understand," she replied, caressing his back. "I've seen some parts of it when he was still my Servant."

"In the end, he was executed. It felt real, too real," he uttered, and a part of his loaded worries alleviated. It felt wonderful to have someone that understood. "He... he left everything. Fuji-nee, Sakura, Issei, and.... he made you leave too. He never saw any of them again until he died."

Shirou tightened his hold on Rin as he tried to fight his tears away. "I don't want to lose them. I don't want to lose you too, Rin."

"You don't have to be scared Shirou," she said, reciprocating his embrace." I won't go anywhere. I won't leave you all alone in this world. You have my word."

Only to her, he had ever felt like home, the safest place for him to return in this unforgiving world. Her presence, touch, and words served as a remedy to his worries, reminding that he could always lean on her. Rin made everything much easier, and Shirou learned to accept that his flaws were okay.

"Thank you, Rin. I believe you."

As long as she was in his arms, and him in hers, Shirou truly believed that everything was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> a fic meant for Shirou, because being vulnerable is okay.  
> thank you for stopping by :)


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